The art of tipping

I am getting tired of tiping everyone everywhere in restaurants and similar places, either they do a good job or not.
The idea is they don't received much money because the bosses expect the costumers to give them tips.
Thus, the employers are always supposed to receive a tip, with a scale something like:

2 dollars - you suck bitch. I shouldn't give you the money but I am supposed to.
3 dollars - you were a bit annoying but you seem to have kids to take care so... I will be mercifull.
4 dollars - you did your job. Please smile less next time.
5 dollars - I almost believed that you were nice. Here is some money for the course in the acting school.
6 dollars - ok. you were nice enough to take a photo from us.
7 dollars - I AM A STUDENT AND POOR. MY SCALE STOPS HERE.
(Actually it might have stopped before but I don't want to seem a cheap ass...)

At least in Portugal we don't tip as much and get an extra-spit on our desert as a response to that.

And what's with the "bringing of the check" after I had two bites of the food??! Can't they wait for me to finish? Damn!

And just in case you were not enlightened by my words, you can find more information about tipping on this site: http://www.tipping.org/tips/TipsPageTipsUS.html